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General Category => RPGs => : clockworkjoe December 12, 2010, 08:49:05 PM
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I've been playing Dragon Age and the nesting quests can be pretty ridiculous - I get a quest to ask for help from a noble but his village is being attacked by zombies
I do a quest to save them to get to the castle to ask the noble
I get to the castle but castle has monsters
so I do a quest to stop the monsters
source of the monsters is the noble's possessed kid plus the noble has been poisoned
only way to exorcise the demon is to go to the magic astral plane
only way to get there is either a human sacrifice ritual or go ask the mages for help
go to the mages for help
GUESS WHAT
THEY'VE GOT FUKKEN MONSTERS TOO
and in the process of saving their asses I get trapped in the astral plane so I have a new quest to free myself
I had to do a quest to do a quest to do a quest and I have one more quest to do in order to finish the first quest of asking the noble for his help in fighting the evil army AND HE IS JUST ONE OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP
So let's have a game of a quest that never ends. Ean and I started it:
ean: You will need to find the bathroom key. Unfortunately it is in the posession of the ice dragon, who will only give it up for a flower from the eastern slopes of the great mountain. But the mountain pass is blocked, and you will need to borrow the fire orb of the savages of the river level.
me: and don't forget you have to capture a mountain ape in order to gain the trust of the savages
and you have to learn the secrets of mountain ape hunting from a notorious ranger
who is in prison
ean: Only his lover holds the key
But she is imprisoned at the top of a high tower that only the eagles may reach.
me: and the eagles can't fly because a gnome stole their magic feather
and its in a dungeon
ean: Next to a gnome skeleton.
me: which can only be found if you have the secret map
WHICH YOU LEFT IN THE BATHROOM
ean: D:
But don't worry. Once upon a time there was a man who entered the bathroom.
He may of seen the map. If you can find him, he might be able to help.
He came from a village to the north and wore a red scarf. Perhaps if you systematically talk to each person in the village several times after changing various things, one will know something about him.
me: but before that happens
you have to free the village from a curse
the only way to do that
is to go back in time
in order to learn how to travel back in time you must venture to the ruins of Atlantis
and find the fabled Zybourne Clock
So what quest do you have to finish to get the clock?
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((I'm about three steps past you on that particular quest line. I'm still not done yet. I left and went to hang with the elves and dwarves. Fuck humans.))
Before you can use the fabled Zybourne Clock you will need to gather the individual Zybourne gears and assemble them in the proper ancient mystic configuration.
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The Clock can only be assembled at the Clockmaker's Guild chambers. In order to gain entrance to the chambers, you must slay the clockwork guardians.
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However, the only way you can slay a clockwork guardian is with the enchanted Switzer Pick, kept in the Grand Neutral Fortress on Mt. Deathice. You'll have to convince the Eternal Neutrals to break their vows to acquire the pick.
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These is something in that quest line fighting the demon that is very fun. Once you do it on your own you should look up some spoilers for it. It cool enough you might want to redo it.
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However, the only way you can slay a clockwork guardian is with the enchanted Switzer Pick, kept in the Grand Neutral Fortress on Mt. Deathice. You'll have to convince the Eternal Neutrals to break their vows to acquire the pick.
Of course, the Eternal Neutrals cannot break their vows without formal confirmation from the Watcher, so you must travel to the Library of Eternal History to get the Watcher to fill out oath rescindence form 11A(b)(iv), confirming that they can break their oath.
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Except the Library of Eternal History has been ransacked and all of its oath forms have been confiscated by order of royal decree in the name of Lord Bizzletinks the third. So you must find a way to sneak into his extremely well guarded fortress to retrieve the paperwork.
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In your enquiries as to the location of Fortress Bizzletinks, you discover that Lord Bizzletinks the Second had the drawbridge and all the walls covered with whoopie cushions and large piles of precariously-balanced chinaware, effectively making it impossible to sneak into. However, you've heard that the Mutant Owl People of Grul'ghast have a sacred nectar that will allow you to sprout your own soft feathery wings, and those wings, while not strong enough to carry you to great heights, will allow you to silently fly over the walls of the keep.
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All you need to do is procure the map to Grul'ghast from a dealer in occult and mythical kingdoms. However, they are all currently at a convention in another country you can't access without an expansion pack so you'll need to acquire $14.99 and a high speed internet connection.
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All you need to do is procure the map to Grul'ghast from a dealer in occult and mythical kingdoms. However, they are all currently at a convention in another country you can't access without an expansion pack so you'll need to acquire $14.99 and a high speed internet connection.
Unfortunately you've maxed out your credit cards and the IRS thugs are pounding on your door. You must slay or recruit them in order to gain access to their master.
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But to do either you'll need to unlock the PVP sub-game, which requires reading the game's GameFAQs entry since it isn't listed in the game manual. But you currently have Dragon Ages open on your PC so you can't access your browser. You'll need to find a Windows Key to close out the game window.
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To get your Windows key, you need to call Microsoft Customer Service, a fabled hotline that apparently operates in the 10th dimension. You need to solve the Unifying Field Theorem to get beyond this dimension.
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However, the Unifying Field Theorem is written on a slab in a hidden temple. When you get there, you could start by running to the room of three gargoyles. Push in the right tongue and a door might lead you down a staircase into the wall-climb which may bring you into the shrine of the silver monkey! Assemble the statue and you may have chance to sit upon the throne of the pretender! If the correct door is unlocked, you may crawl into the pit of despair and finally make your way through the cave of sighs, back to the temple gate!
The choices are yours and yours alone. Good luck.
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You'll need to have the tongue of a gargoyle in order to push it in. The gargoyles live in the underground caverns below the Kingdom of Losum, you'll need to convince one of them to give you its tongue.
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But in order to get to the kingdom of Losum you will need to find the fabled airship to cross the impassible sea of doom. The only man said to have seen this ship is in a village to the north who wears a green scarf.
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But all the people in the north wear green scarfs. You'll need to acquire the fashion sense to distingiush sage green from forest green if your to have any hope of discovering the old man. For fashion sense of that refinement and that quickly (since you really have to use the bathroom by this point) you'll need to attempt the Yves Saint Laurent University program.
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When attempting to apply at Yves Saint Laurent University you are told you need a loan, but when applying for a loan you realize that your credit sucks and they tell you you need to increase your credit :'( However the fastest way this can be obtained by stealing someones credit.
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Stealing someone else's credit is beyond your ability but you've heard that you can contact a mysterious identity theft expert known as the Off-White Mouser. You will need to collect a dozen passwords from various thevies around the city and leave them in hidden drop boxes to deliever a message to the Mouser.
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But to get the passwords, you need to break into the Identity Thieves guild, where you'll face deadly force from a variety of master martial artists and a number of deadly traps.
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Disarming the traps and sneaking past the martial arts masters will undoubtedly require the work of the conventional thieves guild and their sneaky, stealthy ways. Luckily for you one of the members of the guild recently lost the toe ring his girlfriend got him for his birthday and even though he hates the ring she checks his toes everynight to make sure he's still wearing it, so he can't go home until its found.
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Unfortunately, the toe ring was stolen by the vile dragon Swag, who keeps a horde of toe rings in his mountain fortress. Even if you could defeat him, how would you be able to figure out which toe ring is the correct one?
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There is a spell, which you have heard of, that allows wizards to know the owner of an object. But you are not a wizard! You will have to travel to the wizard's school in the Kingdom of You-Kay and seek tuition from a mage.
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You find a mage that is willing to teach you but he requires you to obtain a book that was stole from him.
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You've heard of the book, and you remember somebody reading it recently. This person was in the park. Unfortunately for you Ninja-Gangbangers have shut down the park to conduct training exercises. As Katanas, shuriken, smoke bombs and hand cant flash around you, and hand can't flash around you realize that you are having deja vu which indicates a glitch in the matrix and you wake up to find yourself growing in a test-tube.
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Unfortunately all of the green scarf people are deaf, mutes, so you must first learn telepathy.
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The only way to become telepathic is to train with the aliens of the Galactic Council. They are happy to teach any who ask them but you must find a wormhole to travel to the center of the galaxy, where they live.
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The only way to become telepathic is to train with the aliens of the Galactic Council. They are happy to teach any who ask them but you must find a wormhole to travel to the center of the galaxy, where they live.
In order to find this wormhole and travel through it you must first raise the technology level of the planet Earth. Seize control of the world and install a benevolent dictatorship to focus the greatest minds of the world on this task.
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But in order to focus the greatest minds of the world, there is an issue of overpopulation of wild boars.
You must kill 50 boars
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When you strike the 50th boar dead a nature spirit Boar Aspect rises before you and flings you from its realm, you must defeat the Boar Aspect in order to complete your quest, however the Aspect can only be damage by weapons made of Glimmersteel O-Positive. The Ore is held in the mines of Clorthos.
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However, the mines of Clorthos are located in an alternate dimension where horrors beyond time and space lie. To reach the mine, one must analyze an infamous play about a king and his court. Unbeknown to most, the king is but a mask of an evil entity whose name must be chanted three times to reach his horrific realm.
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To analyze the play, you need to find a high school English teacher because King Lear is a bitch to read.
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In order to find the teacher, you have to eat a sandwich. It has vegemite on it. Once you eat it, the teacher will be summoned, angered that you ate his sandwich WHICH HE CLEARLY LABELED
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In order to find the teacher, you have to eat a sandwich. It has vegemite on it. Once you eat it, the teacher will be summoned, angered that you ate his sandwich WHICH HE CLEARLY LABELED
He demands that you fix him a new vegemite sandwich - unfortunately after the Big One Down Under of 20X6, all vegemite supplies have been destroyed. You must find a way to travel to an alternate dimension and gain access to that dimension's vegemite.
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When you reach the alternate dimension you are told you can find the vegemite in the land down under, but only when the men are at work.
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The men are currently not at work due to the shutting down of their national mine system. The mines are swarming with kobolds! Until someone can deal with them, no work shall be done.
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You'll need an army to deal with the kobolds. Luckily there is one for hire: a kender army.
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IT'S A TRAP!
Nothing good comes from a kender army.
You must kill both armies.
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To destory the kender and the kobolds you'll need access to gene talored technology, which in your current time line is accessable only through trade with Lord Zenu.
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To destory the kender and the kobolds you'll need access to gene talored technology, which in your current time line is accessable only through trade with Lord Zenu.
He is open to trade negotiations but his advisor is one of your old sworn enemies. You must find a way to frame the advisor for corruption so Zenu will dispose of him.
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In order to frame the advisor for corruption, you will need secret information about him from the one person he trusts - your mum. But whenever she talks about him, she always ends up spiralling into overtly sexual anecdotes, which you can't stand to hear.
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In order to frame the advisor for corruption, you will need secret information about him from the one person he trusts - your mum. But whenever she talks about him, she always ends up spiralling into overtly sexual anecdotes, which you can't stand to hear.
To get past your mom's anecdotes, you must enlist the help of the famed Dr. Freud Jungenstein.
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Unfortunately, Doctor Frued is currently in rehab for cocaine addiction. You must find the famed wizard and addiction specialist Dr. Drew of the Grand Hermetic Order of Hermetically Sealed Hermits from Hermes.
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Unfortunately, Doctor Frued is currently in rehab for cocaine addiction. You must find the famed wizard and addiction specialist Dr. Drew of the Grand Hermetic Order of Hermetically Sealed Hermits from Hermes.
I nearly cracked up laughing in front of my supervisor and general manager. Nice one!
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Unfortunately, Doctor Frued is currently in rehab for cocaine addiction. You must find the famed wizard and addiction specialist Dr. Drew of the Grand Hermetic Order of Hermetically Sealed Hermits from Hermes.
I nearly cracked up laughing in front of my supervisor and general manager. Nice one!
Is this the next quest?
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Unfortunately, Doctor Frued is currently in rehab for cocaine addiction. You must find the famed wizard and addiction specialist Dr. Drew of the Grand Hermetic Order of Hermetically Sealed Hermits from Hermes.
I nearly cracked up laughing in front of my supervisor and general manager. Nice one!
Is this the next quest?
You ask this of the supervisor and general manager. They stare at you oddly and then phone for the men in white coats. You must find a way to escape from the insane asylum you now find yourself in.
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You discover that the only way to escape the asylum is to actually become insane, and find the magic window.
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But in order to make yourself truly insane you'll need to earn the approval of the Emperor of Mexico and his entourage here in sunny Cancun. Frank, the iquana wearing a colonels' uniform nearby, as a golden question mark over his head so he might be a good place to start.
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Unfortunately, you are allergic to gold, so you need to find an alchemist to turn the gold question mark into a lead question mark.
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Since most alchemists want to work it the other way around you'll need to find a failed alchemist, which will mean getting access to the guild rejection records and to get those the chief alchemist wants you to bring him back five measures of whale sputum.
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The only way to get whale sputum is to make like Jonah. Get to it.
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O SHI
DRAGON SYPHILIS CELLS IN THE WHALE
KILL 20 OF THEM
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What a shame you can't kill the syphillitic cells without a good dose of penicillin! Looks like you'll be riding this whale to France so you can visit Louis Pasteur. You'd better get 20 doses of penicillin to kill the cells - and perhaps some for your personal stash, you filthy adventurer.
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Louis is more than happy to provide you with the lethally potent penicillin... but he has no cheese! The King of France has issued laws making the precious mold giving substance illegal. Only the black market wererats possess the much needed curds.
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Louis is more than happy to provide you with the lethally potent penicillin... but he has no cheese! The King of France has issued laws making the precious mold giving substance illegal. Only the black market wererats possess the much needed curds.
The only way you can do this is by first getting out of the whale.
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The only way you can do this is by first getting out of the whale.
You've encountered a wild Causality. It is blocking your path. Escape is not possible. You remember the words of your old teacher: "The only way to defeat a Causality is to solve a problem before you have it."