1) If regular old sex just won't do it for you anymore, swallowing four metallic ball bearings, each an inch in diameter, and then using a large magnet to move them around, hoping that it will stimulate your bowel while you masturbate is generally a bad idea. And if that doesn't get you off, the addition of a flashlight in to your anus won't help, either. You only have so many hands and the unfettered flashlight will actually become impossible to retrieve without medical assistance. Not even that little string will help you from getting your flashlight back and the hospital will make you wait a day before intervening because 1) no one wants to dig a flashlight out of your butt at 2 in the morning and; 2) maybe enduring the condition will teach you the importance of keeping your flashlights tethered.
