Hi here. I'm Al Bruno III, and a few of my rpg stories have been adapted into audio format by RPPR. I thought if you enjoyed things like ACHY BREAKY MYTHOS and THE D&D SESSION THAT MOSTLY WASN'T you might like to visit my fiction blog. It is full of weird tales, super hero adventures and of course gaming stories.
My blog is located at
http://albruno3.blogspot.com and are some samples of what you'll find there...
Price Breaks and Heartaches
Chapter Four Roadside Velvet part 9Another rainy day, another misspent afternoon of D&D.
“I don’t see why the king’s guards won’t let us into the palace,” Gordon said, “we completed his damn quest.”
Adrian looked up from behind the Dungeon Master’s screen, “They don’t recognize you guys. What do you expect?”
“We just came back from the Tomb of Horrors,” I said, “there’s no way you can survive that thing without changing your gender and alignment at least twice.”
Daniel nodded sadly at his character sheet, “I went from having a blood thirsty, demon worshipping Anti-Paladin that looked like Rutger Hauer to a hot chick that likes long walks on the beach and holding hands.”
But our Dungeon Master wasn’t budging, I think it was partially sour grapes because he had expected us to die in the Tomb of Horrors but he hadn’t counted on our combination of bad ideas and dumb luck to carry us through the day.
Harry of course was barely paying attention, he was tinkering with our host’s new computer, “Cool Mac Plus.”
Adrian preened, “Yeah, it's got 4 megabytes.”
“Wow.”
“Hey,” Daniel said. “What’s this thingie over here by the keyboard?”
In case I hadn’t mentioned it before, Daniel was Adrian’s best friend. They looked almost like brothers and quarreled exactly like sisters. Daniel had been a year behind us in high school and had just graduated. He planned to attend college in the fall but was still torn between being a computer programmer or crime fighting adventurer. Personally I didn’t think our high school had appropriately prepared him for either option.
“That’s a mouse,” Adrian tapped the object Daniel was looking at. “It’s an optional thing. I’m not sure if I’ll ever need it.”
I whistled admiringly, “It’s a sweet machine.”
Adrian nodded, “My girlfriend got totally turned on by it.”
Daniel gave him a hearty thumbs up, “All right!”
“Really?” I asked.
“Oh totally,” Adrian said. “An Apple computer is a status symbol, like a Ferrari.”
Gordon rattled his dice, “Can we get back to the game? I am through talking, my sexually confused halfling wants to kill.”
“What are we going to do?” I asked, “Attack the guards while we’re in the middle of a heavily armed fortress?”
“Hell yes!”
Daniel shrugged, “Ok, but my Lawful Good hippie chick will shed a tear before she starts stabbing.”
And so the running battle through the fortress of King Freemantle began. We cut a path of destruction through the stone hallways, leaving bodies and utterly befouled tapestries in our wake.
“My character is running low on hit points,” Gordon said.
I shook a finger at him, “I told you this was a bad idea.”
“Gripe. Gripe. Gripe. This is what Chewbacca would do.”
Daniel sneered, “I don’t think Chewie would use a scullery maid as a human shield.”
“I think it’s implied.”
“Hey Harry... Earth to Harry...” I said, “We need your cleric here.”
Harry’s eyes were fixed on the computer screen, “Sure. I heal everyone.”
“Who first?”
Adrian drummed his fingers on the Player’s Handbook “Let’s move it along, I have a date in a few hours.”
The thought of Adrian getting dates annoyed me, “Really?”
“Yes, I told you all about her.”
“So you’ve got a girlfriend that is putting herself through college by stripping.”
He raised an eyebrow, “Jealous?”
“No,” I lied, “I just find it hard to believe a girl like that would be all hot and bothered for a guy that still lives in his parents’ basement.”
Adrian’s expression became sour, “I only live here because the cool air helps preserve my comic book collection.”
“What is it with you Al?” Daniel said, “Isn’t his word good enough for you? Do you need him to show you the pictures again?”
“Please don’t.”
“Is it my turn yet?” Gordon asked but no one paid attention.
Adrian clapped me on the shoulder, “You know what your problem is Al?”
“I bet you’re going to tell me,” I sighed
“You’re problem is that you don’t understand women.”
“Is that so?”
“No offense,” Harry said, “but you’re the one crying himself to sleep over some girl you hooked up with in high school.”
“You see Al,” Adrian leaned back in his seat, “women aren’t like men…”
“Brilliant!” Daniel said.
“…women aren’t as evolved as us. They’re still in that primitive state of mind where they’re looking for the alpha caveman. You know, the best provider. That’s why you see so many hot chicks with doofy looking rich guys.”
I nodded, “And you speak from experience with this?”
Adrian just kept right on talking, “So the first thing women are drawn to is money and power- of which you Al have none. The second thing women are drawn to are bad boys, guys with a bad attitude and an edgy personality like Axl Rose or Sean Penn-”
“Or me!” Harry said.
Gordon’s voice was pleading, “Can I just make a to hit roll?”
I was getting close to losing my temper but I tried to stay civil, “So, what you’re saying is that under normal circumstances no woman will be attracted to me. Is that it?”
Adrian nodded, “You have one hope, one thing no woman can resist.”
“This should be good.”
“Synchronized breathing.”
I did one of my classic double takes, “What?”
“Synchronized breathing,” Adrian repeated. “If you’re talking to a woman and synchronize your breathing with hers she will slowly become aroused and view you as the source of that arousal.”
“Synchronized breathing?” I said again.
“It’s a subtle form of hypnosis that women are very susceptible to. It has something to do with their unconscious yearning to have a baby in their womb,” Adrian explained.
Harry turned away from the computer, “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” Adrian said.
“Ok,” he turned back.
“So…” I couldn’t believe I was hearing this, “I just breathe in time with the object of my desire and it will be an aphrodisiac.”
Daniel nodded, “That’s what the man said.”
I thought of Athena’s legs wrapped around me and shrugged, “Well. I’ll try anything once.”
Gordon grinned, “That’s what Orville said.”
“What?”
click here to read the restPrice Breaks and Heartaches
Chapter Five Paper Hearts And A Red Haired Tart part twoOf course Kevin K. Hanson’s crew wasn’t the only friends I had. There was my D&D group but spending my afternoons pretending to be a dwarven level 12 fighter was starting to lose its appeal. I wanted girls, I wanted my glory days to begin, I wanted wine and roses instead of soda and Cheetos.
*
...there was a dragon in the dungeon, at least that was what the legend said. The semi-noble, mostly famous adventurers known as the Swashbuckling Fellowship had decided to venture into the vast system of tunnels and traps in search of treasure.
“After all,” Thad the dwarf commented as he lead his companions through the catacombs, “what else is there to do in this lousy kingdom? It isn’t like there is any political intrigue, notable individuals with any kind of personality or even a viable economic system. Even the weather seems to be completely random and nonsensical...”... “I swear to God Al,” Adrian glared at me from behind his Dungeon Master’s Screen, “all you do is complain.”
“I am just saying, that this could be so much better,” we were in Adrian’s parent’s basement as usual. There were new Boris Vallejo posters on the wall but the same old stains on the carpet. We sat in rickety chairs around an equally rickety card table. If you leaned something was going to come crashing down. “We’re supposed to be role-playing, this is like a computer game.”
“Interesting talk,” Daniel said, “coming from the guy that can’t afford a computer.”
That was a very interesting and clever observation so I told him, “Shut up.”
“Can we just get going here? I’d like the last game before I head off for basic training to be a little more fun,” Gordon shifted uncomfortably in his seat and then pitched over to the left, “GAAAAAA!”
“Are you sure you want to go through with joining the Marines?” I asked.
Harry looked up from the Doctor Who novelization he was reading and then buried his nose in the book again.
Gordon righted his chair and sat gingerly back down, “This is something I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid. I want to join the Marines and then work my way into special forces. The SEALS could use a guy like me.”
“Uh,” I said, “I don’t think you’ve got that quite right. The SEALS are...”
“Don’t,” Daniel silenced me with a gesture, “just don’t.”
“But...”
“We’ve all tried already.”
...the battle with the hobgoblins left the Swashbuckling Fellowship bloodied but unbowed. Thad the dwarf cleaned his blade and surveyed the dank dungeon hallway, “I think we’ve lost our bearings again.”
“I thought dwarves had big bonuses,” Chemlar the elven thief’s voice became a scream has a level of experience was burned away, “Nooooooo! Not the piano lessons!”
Bruce the ranger shook his head pityingly, “What are these ‘bonuses’ you speak of? Is it some kind of elven metaphor for a penis?”
“Oooo,” Thad said, “I like the sound of that.”
“Yes, that’s what I meant,” Chemlar said expectantly.
“This way!” the Wizard With No Name pointed back the way they had come. He tossed his fifteen foot multicolored scarf over his shoulder and started walking.
The other’s shrugged and followed but Thad wondered aloud, “When did he get that?”...
... “I just thought it would be cool,” Harry K looked up from his copy of Doctor Who And The Giant Robot, “I like to imagine my character looking like Tom Baker.”
“Last week you said he looked like Merlin from Excalibur,” Daniel snorted with disgust and crossed his arms. Somehow this caused his seat to topple over, “EEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Guys!” Adrian stood and leaned on the table, “Be careful with the damn chairs-”
And it was at that point the table flipped over...
...the tremors stopped as suddenly as they had begun. Dirt fell from the stone roof but it held. The members of the Swashbuckling Fellowship stepped away from the walls they had thrown themselves against- all of them save for the Wizard with no name, he hadn’t moved. In fact, he was still standing casually in the middle of the passage and studying his book.
“I don’t think we’re even close to the dragon,” Chemlar said, “let’s go back to the town.”
“No way!” Bruce the ranger said, “I’m here for an adventure, not to twiddle my thumbs while you try to steal everything that isn’t nailed down.”
“You guys could help.”
“How?” Thad asked, “It’s not like we’re double classed... oops!”
Arcs of power bled from the dwarf in a kind of agonizing reverse Quickening, leaving him a sobbing, urine-stained wreck. “Really?” Thad said in disbelief, “I soiled myself?”
“Who soiled themselves?” the Wizard With No Name looked up from the tome he was reading.
Once the dwarf had cleaned out his armor the band of adventurers began marching again. Their path took them across more and more hobgoblins that they dispatched with a combination of swordplay and magic- assuming the wizard was paying attention of course.
Just as they were about to give up hope they found the first real signs that they were getting closer to their goal, yet it was also a terrible setback...
... “A dragon turd blocking the hallway?” I said, “Really?”
“Really,” Adrian insisted.
Bruce had been looking at his character sheet, “How the hell are we going to get past it? Can we climb over it?”
“Too slippery,” Adrian laughed fiendishly.
I wasn’t done complaining, “Pee and poop. Is this what the game as come to?”
“Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. I should call you Bitchy Bruno.”
Daniel grinned, “Bitchy Bruno! I love it!”
“We should dig a tunnel through it.” Harry K suggested.
“Ew!” Daniel said, “My character is too cool for that.”
I looked back down at the sloppy map we had made to trace our route through the dungeon, “Maybe we can double back.’
Now it was Daniel’s turn to laugh fiendishly, “I have a better idea...”
...before anyone realized what he was doing Chemlar pulled the potion of mind control from the Wizard With No Name’s back pack and took a gulp. Mystical power flowed through him, “Now I command you Thad to burrow through that dragon turd.”
“You assho-” the dwarf began to say but then all resistance faded from his features, “Eep.”
The other members of the Swashbuckling Brotherhood watched him start digging with cruel glee, disgust or disinterest.
“Eep,” Thad the dwarf said as he pawed doglike through the muck. Occasionally he would come across the bone of an unlucky adventurer or hobgoblin and toss it aside, “eep.”
Finally the ranger had seen enough, “All right, that does it! I’m going to put a stop to this.”
“Oh hey Bruce,” the Wizard With No Name said as another mind control potion was pulled from his pack.
Mystical energy flowed through Bruce The ranger and he said, “I command you Thad the dwarf to throw crap at Chemlar!”
“Oop,” the dwarf did as he was ordered. He grabbed a fist full of dragon poop and sent it flying at the elven thief.
Chemlar’s lightning fast reflexes saved him from a face full of feces but some of the brown muck landed on his feet. His features, much like his boots, darkened. He took another drink of his mind control potion and ordered the dwarf, “Lick my boots clean!”
“Eep.”
Not one of the members of the Swashbuckling Brotherhood noticed the five Neo-otyugh drawing closer and licking their foul lips...
...as you can imagine things went downhill from there and our characters died once again. Gordon started packing up his books and papers, “This was the worst game ever.”
“It certainly left a bad taste in my character’s mouth,” I said with a shudder.
“Not my fault you guys are such crappy players,” Adrian tried to sound smug as he crossed his legs but doing so caused his chair to fall over, “GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”
I helped him up, “Well I think we were doing fine until Daniel started screwing around.”
“I was not screwing around! I was playing my alignment!” Daniel banged his fist on the table for emphasis, causing it to collapse spectacularly.
“Well,” Gordon said, “this is it for me for a while anyway. I’ll try to come by after I finish basic training.”
Harry K finally put his book down, “Yeah. Good luck and everything.”
“Yeah, good luck,” Adrian said dismissively, “and now I have to find a new player.”
“I’m going to have to bow out of the game for a while too,” I explained.
“Why?”
“I’m starting college,” I said, “and a new job.”
Adrian wrinkled his nose, “Hey! I’m working, going to school and getting more pussy than you’ve ever dreamed about.”
“I dunno about that, I can dream a lot.”
“Anyway...” Gordon took this moment to shake each of our hands, “I figure I’ll finish basic training early. I’ve been practicing my push ups and reading Mac Bolan novels.”
I cleared my throat, “I don’t think...”
“Don’t,” Daniel silenced me with a gesture, “it’s not worth it.”
click here to read the restAnd lastly I have made the original rants available in ebook format.
And the price you may wonder?
Well they're free!
That's right- twenty years of rejection slips have ruined my self esteem and now I'm passing the savings on to YOU!
Enjoy!
The Binder Of Shame Presents: The RPG.net Rants 
