Don't Tease The Panther - Post Your Favorite Terrible Published Writing

[IDaMan008]

Next thing she'll say is that she won the Kobayashi Maru scenario without cheating. (And yes, I did have to refer to the Wrath of Khan page on IMDB to figure out how to spell that.)

[clockworkjoe]

A TREKKIE'S TALE

By Paula Smith



"Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky," thought Mary Sue as she stepped on the bridge of the Enterprise. "Here I am, the youngest lieutenant in the fleet - only fifteen and a half years old." Captain Kirk came up to her.
"Oh, Lieutenant, I love you madly. Will you come to bed with me?"
"Captain! I am not that kind of girl!"
"You're right, and I respect you for it. Here, take over the ship for a minute while I go get some coffee for us."
Mr. Spock came onto the bridge. "What are you doing in the command seat, Lieutenant?"
"The Captain told me to."
"Flawlessly logical. I admire your mind."

Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott beamed down with Lt. Mary Sue to Rigel XXXVII. They were attacked by green androids and thrown into prison. In a moment of weakness Lt. Mary Sue revealed to Mr. Spock that she too was half Vulcan. Recovering quickly, she sprung the lock with her hairpin and they all got away back to the ship.

But back on board, Dr. McCoy and Lt. Mary Sue found out that the men who had beamed down were seriously stricken by the jumping cold robbies , Mary Sue less so. While the four officers languished in Sick Bay, Lt. Mary Sue ran the ship, and ran it so well she received the Nobel Peace Prize, the Vulcan Order of Gallantry and the Tralfamadorian Order of Good Guyhood.

However the disease finally got to her and she fell fatally ill. In the Sick Bay as she breathed her last, she was surrounded by Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Scott, all weeping unashamedly at the loss of her beautiful youth and youthful beauty, intelligence, capability and all around niceness. Even to this day her birthday is a national holiday of the Enterprise.

[Kroack]

but, but, lieutenants don't wear red shirts, do they? 

[beowuuf]

That was what swapped the shirt colours between TOS and TNG

[nekomata]

You know, it would be funnier if every other person in STO didn't have a profile like that...
http://www.stogeek.com/wiki/Main_Page - Read a few, its hilarious.

Edit: I take it back, that comic is the funniest thing I have ever seen. That's getting posted on the fleet website.

[rayner23]

Jackie Collins - Poor Little Bitch Girl

I read part of chapter 4 to Ross while we were in the library the other day, but I couldn't find it online. Here is the very beginning of the novel though.

-------
Belle Svetlana surveyed her nude image in a full-length mirror, readying herself for a thirty-thousand-dollar-an-hour sexual encounter with the fifteen-year-old son of an Arab oil tycoon.

Belle knew she was a beauty. What the hell, enough money had been spent along the way to make sure she was beautiful. A nose job ordered by her mother when she was a mere fourteen, a boob job shortly after - that was her decision. And then later, liposuction when needed, lip enhancement, regular facials and skin lasering treatments to make certain her skin remained the milky white she'd worked so hard to achieve (getting rid of her freckles had been a bitch, but she'd done it).

Ever since her teenage years Belle had strived for perfection, and now she'd gotten pretty damn close. Her hair was a pale golden-red, shoulder-length and wavy. Her eyes were a spectacular emerald green. Her body - a playground of delights.

Yes, she thought, staring intently at her unabashed nakedness, I am worth every cent of the thirty thousand dollars cash already neatly stashed in my safe.

[doctorscraps]

From the door of a Burger King...

"Pull: You can push all you want, but the door is stubborn like that."

[Setherick]

This link really deserves to be in this thread: http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/jul/04/literary-storm-lee-siegel-american-novel-dead