Anecdote Megathread

[xHero]

Last year I decided to host a weekly d&d 3.5 campaign and had a house full of people in no time...

Unfortunately a few weeks into the game our party was still in the starting town (in jail most of the game) as our monk, Shemp, could not refrain from attacking everything that moved. In the event that this happened the guards would respond quickly and he would attack them as well, usually with the assistance of our tank:

Kurn'l Sunders, whose picture was a bucket of KFC: Kurn'l Fried Chocobo. It was funny at first but set the tone of the entire campaign.

Due to poor DM discretion we allowed the use of a minotaur as a playable character, further lacks of foresight allowed for our horned fiend to dual-wield shields (in homage to unforgotten realms) These two characters who claimed to be of chaotic neutral alignment were absolutely incapable of performing not only a good deed, but anything beneficial to even themselves

The following is a brief description of some key events leading to our epic disaster:
1.After finding a strange vial my bard character entered an apothrecary's shop to determine it's contents. Kurn'l Sunders enters the shop and bull rushes the old proprietor and bursts through the back wall of the shop.
2.While our party sat in prison the apothecary came to see us and I was attempting to use diplomacy to reduce the charges. Things were looking good until Shemp runs from the back of the cell and begins bashing the NPC's head into the iron bars in front of all the guards.
3.Once we finally made it out of town any creatures we would encounter would have their heads removed by Shemp and placed into a bag he carried. All the while maintaining the he was chaotic neutral.
4.In the event that we entered a town Shemp would go into a spiel about how he entered some "magic crafting shop" and threatened the owner to manufacture absurd totems and tools out of the heads he had collected. He would then state that he received something like "Jumbalya's voice box" a human skull on a magic tripod of bone that would speak in any dialect or some dumbassery like that.
5.Kurn'l had min-maxed to unprecedented levels. As mentioned earlier he was dual wielding shields, well he later purchased a tower shield and attempted to strap in onto his back for an addition AC modifier (fortunately our 3rd DM vetoed it outright... or was it our 4th DM?)

But the climax of this brainless tale manifested itself during a pirate attack on a ship our party was on. After some great roleplaying and tactial combat Kurn'l decides he wants to steal a cannon from the pirate ship. He goes so far as to try and jump from one ship to the other while carrying a cannon (Swing and a miss). Once he was retrieved he took one of our ships cannons and for no damn reason at all declared mutiny on the captain. It was necessary for out mage to cast a sleep spell on him, we stripped him of his armor and tied him upside down to the mast where he remained even after we reached our destination. Of course Shemp felt guilty that we were persecuting stupid people and returned to ship to untie him... So a matter of moments later our ship is firing on the whole fucking town. A lengthy battle ensues and we eventually killed Kurn'l Sunders.

None of us had ever been in a campaign in which it became necessary to kill our own teammate... we felt pretty bad and had just lost another DM (5th maybe 6th) So to further prove our unabashed idiocy we gave Kurn'l's player a chance behind the screen. One maddening session of fighting balloon animals and demon clowns on unicycles blaring josephine johnny from magical boom-boxes, outwitting homeless apparitions of ourselves and bypassing Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn licking the cave walls, a battle of epic fail proportions ensued in which we had to use legendary feats of dexterity to avoid the graham cracker shurikens that were being viciously thrown by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. None of us could touch a polyhedral die for a year.

 

[codered]

WOW..... I prolley would never play again after crap like that...

[Boyos]

None of us had ever been in a campaign in which it became necessary to kill our own teammate... we felt pretty bad and had just lost another DM (5th maybe 6th) So to further prove our unabashed idiocy we gave Kurn'l's player a chance behind the screen. One maddening session of fighting balloon animals and demon clowns on unicycles blaring josephine johnny from magical boom-boxes, outwitting homeless apparitions of ourselves and bypassing Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn licking the cave walls, a battle of epic fail proportions ensued in which we had to use legendary feats of dexterity to avoid the graham cracker shurikens that were being viciously thrown by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. None of us could touch a polyhedral die for a year.

 

Thats Just...... WOW!

[ArtfulShrapnel]

None of us had ever been in a campaign in which it became necessary to kill our own teammate... we felt pretty bad and had just lost another DM (5th maybe 6th) So to further prove our unabashed idiocy we gave Kurn'l's player a chance behind the screen. One maddening session of fighting balloon animals and demon clowns on unicycles blaring josephine johnny from magical boom-boxes, outwitting homeless apparitions of ourselves and bypassing Neil Patrick Harris on a unicorn licking the cave walls, a battle of epic fail proportions ensued in which we had to use legendary feats of dexterity to avoid the graham cracker shurikens that were being viciously thrown by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. None of us could touch a polyhedral die for a year.

I know a guy JUST LIKE THAT. Holy crap it scares me that there might be another one.

I played in a game he ran. A one shot. I think by the end of it I had turned from a person into a nightghast or some craziness, and also was a were-chicken. My body was permanently turned blue (even though I was made of shadowstuff) and I had a bag that could produce an infinite number of capes (also blue). I think i had some magic rings that did some weird stuff. Someone was killed by being hit with a magic pie, and it started raining bears and shock lizards at one point. I mean literally raining.

Basically the same situation, but my guy pulled more from the Monster Manual, and less from Nabisco commercials.

[xHero]

Basically the same situation, but my guy pulled more from the Monster Manual, and less from Nabisco commercials.

Haha, well said.

[clockworkjoe]

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2834527&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=75

I did not write these but YOU NEED TO READ THEM

Too many to just copypasta

I'll just post the first one. Look for posts by 50 foot ant.

Meet Stan.

Stan is almost 300 lbs.

Stan has black hair that glistens in the light and looks as if it is held to his head with paste.

Stan has yellow and white head acne so bad that at least once an hour a pimple will just burst, either squirting on something next to him, or just dribbling down his face.

Stan has one eye that just looks at random shit all the time.

Stan breathes heavy while paging through books.

Stan's skin is slightly gray, this probably has something to do with when he scratched his arm, he left behind little rolled black things.

Stan has BROWN teeth that are blackish gray here and there.

Stan has a zit encrusted nose that usually has one finger in there. He often keeps his hand under the table or out of sight until he thinks you are not looking, and then his finger goes in his mouth.

Stan played AD&D, the old 2E stuff.

Stan was friends with the FLGS owner (who was also a loser) and so he got invited all the time into games by the owner, not the GM's.

I had just gotten back to the States and had met a group at the LFGS and was running Ravenloft. Ravenloft involves a lot of indepth descriptions, Ravenloft punishes dipshits and assholes right in the rules. Ravenloft is a slow story buildup, with a payoff that is often the choice between two wrong choices.

Ravenloft is fun in the same way that being lost out in the woods and telling ghost stories to each other is fun.

Now, Stan has never played Ravenloft before, but is the LFGS owner's friend. This was before I learned how big a loser the owner was. The owner wanted to play in my game, since he'd hired some half-retarded 16 year old to run the store while he sat around and got fatter. I was told I wouldn't have to pay for tables, that if I needed something to talk to him, all that shit.

So, Stan sits at the table.

Missy moves 2 chairs away and retched.

So, Stan hands me his character sheet.

Oh goody, a 7th level Anti-Paladin with all kinds of shit.

Me: Fuck no. The rest of the group is 3rd level, and hell no.
Him: I played in his (points at the LFGS owner) game all the time with him.
Me: You'll lose him in 20 minutes, man, so no. Good characters only, and I strongly suggest human only.

So, despite my urging, Stan rolls up....

DUM DUM DUM!

A fucking 1/2E fighter/mage/cleric.

Me: Are your ears pointed?
Him: (snorting gasping laughter) Yes, duh.

So, the group's in a village, healing up from having a pair of ghouls ambush them in the forest and tear them new assholes. The half-elf comes wandering into the tavern/inn/old dude's house, sits down, motions the barmaid over, and then pushes back his hood.

INSTANT MADHOUSE!

"VAMPIRE! GET HIM!" cry out the townspeople, upon seeing his pointy ears, pale skin, and other elven attributes.

"They're just 0-Level Humans..." Snorts Stan, who cuts loose with.... Flaming Hands.

Well, one of the waitresses throws the garlic stew on him, someone else gets a bag over his head, and INTO THE RIVER HE GOES after being beaten with hoes and rakes and axes and sledgehammers and splitting mauls.

The rest of the group is laughing their asses off.

"BUT HE'S AN ELF!" Stan yells, pointing at another player.

"Yeah, but we docked my ears after that happened and I ended up running into the woods and almost getting sodomized by a werewolf." That player says.

"YOU'RE ALL JUST PICKING ON ME!" screams Stan.

Who promptly bursts into blubbery tears and has several zits explode all over his character sheet. Missy almost barfs, and you will NEVER guess what fucking Stan did next.

 He ran out of the gaming shop crying. An hour later his fucking MOTHER showed up to try and berate us for picking on her son. That's right, he went home and TOLD HIS FUCKING MOTHER ON US!

Stan was the bane of my games for almost 2 more years.

Fatback the FLGS Owner is another horror story.

[IDaMan008]

I think that, when you find yourself hanging out with a guy nicknamed Fatback, at that point just maybe it's time to reevaluate your social options. Even if he does give you tons of free stuff from his gaming store.

[Salrantol]

I was running a farcical superhero game in the Aberrant system.  The players decided to place their base of operations in a warehouse at the end of a pier, right past a porn studio, because, to their minds, no villain would pass up a porn studio to try to reach their base.  After one finally did, they decided additional security was necessary and installed a trap door outside their front door, below which was a cage holding a randy dolphin.  Well, two of the characters did that between sessions, and "forgot" to tell the third member of their party, the Uranium Cockroach.  When the Uranium Cockroach showed up and triggered the trap, the other players laughed as he was sodomized by the randy dolphin.  Of course, most of the laughter was because those players remembered something the Cockroach's player did not: The Uranium Cockroach had the Animal Mastery power, and could have compelled the dolphin to stop at any time.

[Boyos]

I was running a farcical superhero game in the Aberrant system.  The players decided to place their base of operations in a warehouse at the end of a pier, right past a porn studio, because, to their minds, no villain would pass up a porn studio to try to reach their base.  After one finally did, they decided additional security was necessary and installed a trap door outside their front door, below which was a cage holding a randy dolphin.  Well, two of the characters did that between sessions, and "forgot" to tell the third member of their party, the Uranium Cockroach.  When the Uranium Cockroach showed up and triggered the trap, the other players laughed as he was sodomized by the randy dolphin.  Of course, most of the laughter was because those players remembered something the Cockroach's player did not: The Uranium Cockroach had the Animal Mastery power, and could have compelled the dolphin to stop at any time.

Lawl!

[nekomata]

So, I'm going to run a GURPS game in Infinate Worlds, players are ISWAT. And I made the mistake of telling the players, "You can make anything you want." So here's the results, two of my players have thier characters finished, still waiting on the other two.

Clay: Is playing himself. Or at least a beefed up version of himself. He's mostly a random collection of skills and trivia, just like in real life, but has the advantage super luck which lets him determine the outcome of a single die roll every hour of play. Sadly, we all agree that he should have this ability...

Rai-ku: Is a semi-upright tiger man has lacks usable hands, he just has paws. So, he can't wield any weapons, or pick up, or grab stuff... He was also raised by monks and knows cinematic tai-kwon-do, did I mention that he has Wolverine-esq regeneration, healing 1HP per second. The really funny thing is that Infinity is supposted to keep demention travel a secerat, and they're going to be in the wild west...

I'll post the other two when thier done, and I'll definatly post a real antidocte after our first game.

[nekomata]

Unkillable, and termially ill... that's what one of my players came up with, and as far as I can tell its not illegal. He dies of illness, becomes a ghost, then comes back to life to die the next month.

[clockworkjoe]

Sounds fine to me although as a GM I would tack on a mental disadvantage - some kind of insanity WITHOUT him getting any extra points. That cycle of life and death would be hell - eternal suffering and torture.

[Murph]

Sounds fine to me although as a GM I would tack on a mental disadvantage - some kind of insanity WITHOUT him getting any extra points. That cycle of life and death would be hell - eternal suffering and torture.

But what if he's a good person and gets to go to heaven every month or so for a vacation and rock out with Ted Nugget while riding a dinosaur as they use the power of music to deflect bullets and defeat bererker wooly mammoths as hot chicks dance all around them?  That would make being terminally ill and immortal kick ass.

[clockworkjoe]

Sounds fine to me although as a GM I would tack on a mental disadvantage - some kind of insanity WITHOUT him getting any extra points. That cycle of life and death would be hell - eternal suffering and torture.

But what if he's a good person and gets to go to heaven every month or so for a vacation and rock out with Ted Nugget while riding a dinosaur as they use the power of music to deflect bullets and defeat bererker wooly mammoths as hot chicks dance all around them?  That would make being terminally ill and immortal kick ass.

Dying of cancer every few months would be enough.

[Tadanori Oyama]

Sounds fine to me although as a GM I would tack on a mental disadvantage - some kind of insanity WITHOUT him getting any extra points. That cycle of life and death would be hell - eternal suffering and torture.

But what if he's a good person and gets to go to heaven every month or so for a vacation and rock out with Ted Nugget while riding a dinosaur as they use the power of music to deflect bullets and defeat bererker wooly mammoths as hot chicks dance all around them?  That would make being terminally ill and immortal kick ass.

Dying of cancer every few months would be enough.

Personally I think having his cancer continue to develop through his deaths would be alot of fun (for me). Mystical cancer that just keeps getting worse so each time he comes back he dies faster and experiences more pain than the last time. Eventually he'll be living to die. Then you give him ghost cancer.