Some thoughts on He-Man…
I’ve noticed an abiding commitment to failure on the part of Skeletor and his minions. Skeletor is the worst sort of person you can work for because he is simply unwilling to take personal responsibility for any sort of failure. Skeletor, in short, will always leave you hanging out to dry!
Even if, by some miracle, Beastman, Evilyn, Trap-Jaw, Cyclops, Man-E-Faces and the rest of Skeletor’s employees were able to defeat He-Man, Skeletor just wouldn’t be able to accept success as an outcome.
For example:
Beastman: **proudly** We did it boss! -snort snort- We beat He-Man, we destroyed castle Greyskull and we killed that stupid bitch, the sorceress…
Skeletor: No! **strikes Beastman viciously with his staff** This is a trick. He-Man must have put you up to this! No!
Trap-Jaw: **earnestly** But, but boss we did it. Seriously, we destroyed Eternia!
Skeletor: **indignant** No! Shut your gob! **laughs angrily** Simpletons, there is no possible way, no conceivable way you could have defeated He-Man! It just isn’t possible!
Evilyn: **hesitatingly, unable to make eye contact with Skeletor** Skeletor, my love, you have to believe us! You’ve sold us down the river countless times. You have abandoned us in defeat over and over again. You have taught us to be strong; we used that strength to defeat your nemesis, He-Man!! **looks up at Skeletor, on his throne, with love in her eyes**
Skeletor: **scornfully** Shut your pie-hole bitch! **laughs mockingly** You bunch of incompetents could not have possibly defeated He-Man. This is a trick! I simply refuse to believe that I’ve won! He-Man HAS to be alive… I love him… sexually. **A single tear runs down Skeletor's bony cheek**
I’ve seen this sort of commitment to failure in a cartoon series before. Sadly the antagonists of Voltron, The Transformers, M.A.S.K., The Inhumanoids, G.I. Joe, Thundercats, etc. etc. come to mind. It isn't so much that Good vanquishes Evil as it is Evil's complete failure to launch.
In short, I believe Skeletor to be the Oakland Raiders of He-Man fanboydom…
That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy listening to Ross plod his way through Cody’s game. I would also, definitely enjoy Tom geeking out with Cody about the particulars and minutia of the He-Man universe (because I believe that Tom is secretly a fan). I definitely think that Aaron should be involved in this project, well, because I would love to hear Cody fuck with Aaron’s Boy Scout sensibilities…
As for this post, before Cody and his lobster cultist tear me a new asshole, I just want to end my rant by saying “Frog-snatch, Cum-shitters. Bee-rape…”
