the Frank Miller Bible

[rayner23]

One night, my friend Rich was ripping on Christians and he said, "The Bible is filled with homophobia and sexism. It's almost as if Frank Miller wrote it." Thus, the Frank Miller Bible was born. In the Frank Miller Bible, the hero isn't God, it's "the Goddamn God." So, whenever you hear Tom and I say, "Goddamn God" in various APs, that's where it comes from.

For all two of you who don't know who Frank Miller is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Miller_(comics)

Anyway, I would like to start rewriting Biblical scenes in the style of Frank Miller. So, here is the birth of Jesus.

(note: This is NOT meant to offend Christians. This is meant to offend "fans" of Frank Miller)
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Bethlehem: the city of fear. A hard rain falls on the just and unjust alike. Square jawed Romans (hired thugs of the government and nearly untouchable0 rape the whores of the city. They answer to no one. Their mere prescence in the city offends the Goddamn God.

This world once feared the Goddamn God, but no longer. Herod has become the new God and his word is absolute. In his palace, Herod sits amongst his whores and he sends them away. Tonight, his tastes are for what he considers to be the fairer sex and he commands for his boy army of concubines to enter his chambers. He commands them to strip naked. Herod sees that one boy has the beginnings of pubic hair and he sceams at the offense. His guards take the boy away to be tortured and turned into a slave. Herod has become the new God.

A star pierces through the pain and suffering of humanity to shine upon a small stable. The woman, Mary, claims to be a virgin, but she is with child and considered to be a lying whore. A lying whore.

A bastard child cries out to the heavens. His cries are music to the Goddamn God's ears; his son has been born in Bethlehem: the city of fear.

[Atlas]

So fucking true.

[malyss]

Why did I just get an image in my head of Michael Keaton saying "I'm Jesus," and holding a Roman over a rooftop...

[iceemaker]

I haven't actually read any of Frank Miller's comics, so I don't feel confident enough to modify a Bible passage to fit his... "unique" writing style. However, Genesis should definitely mention the crafting of a corrupt universe and our filthy planet from the totality of nothingness. Of nothingness.

Glad to finally see an official explanation for the inside joke, at any rate.

[rayner23]

Frank Miller writing is relatively simple. I can break down some essentials:

Hero - The hero must be the manliest man with the biggest dick in the room. His narration is gritty and usually talks about how his heart is untamed or that he is an animal of some sort. My favorite example of this is from Dark Knight Returns where Bruce says, "I hear a wolf howl. I know how he feels."

Women - They are all either whores, sluts, or strippers. They are usually evil, but if by some miracle they aren't evil, they are madly in love with the hero and all they want to do is fuck him. I guess the only exception I can think of off the top of my head is Batgirl from All Star Batman and Robin. She isn't sexualized, but she does say, "I'm the FUCKING Batgirl!" and she calls people "cunts" a lot.

Villains - Absolutely no grey area. The villains in Miller books are the worst of the worst. Rape goes with breakfast in the morning. Pedophelia is a prerequisite. Also, since Frank Miller HATES gay people, the villain must also be homosexual and typically, the villain must be in love with the hero in some sick way. Both the Joker from DKR and Dick Grayson from Dark Knight Strikes Again are evil and madly in love with Batman.

Description - overexplanation in that noir style combined with repetition of key facts. The best example is from ASB&R:BW where Batman says, "It's a good night. A hunter's night." He says this at least three times in two pages.

The more I think about it, I think a Frank Miller version of "Othello" would also be excellent.

[iceemaker]

The Goddamn God surveyed all that he had wrought, and wept in silence. His tears, pregnant with the weight of sin itself, splashed onto the earth below unceremoniously. It was from this putrid combination of earth and water that man originated. Adam, grief-stricken by his undesired existence, attempted to end his futile life by thrusting his chest into the branches of the Tree of Life itself. The Tree of Life itself.

I dunno. I really lack a thorough background in Frank Miller-ism.

[rayner23]

You're definitely on your way. The word "unceremoniously" is perhaps the finest word to exemplify a Millerism. I loved it.


I think I'm going to work on Samson and Delilah next. That's the most Frank Miller-esque Biblical story.

[rayner23]

[rayner23]

Goddamn Batman





The typical Frank Miller hero







The typical Frank Miller woman

[iceemaker]

Fuckin' goddamn Batman. Looks like I haven't really missed anything by not partaking in Mr. Miller's works...

What the hell is the deal with that Swastika chick... Eh, I probably don't want to know.

[Kroack]

nazi woman gots some nice tits.

Swastikas and everything.

Not dark/gritty enough though...

[Joven]

Well, I suck at writing, and dont really know much frank miller, but whatever:

Jesus was still barely cold after waking up from his slumber, his supposedly eternal slumber, but his work wasnt done yet and death couldn't stop him, he was the Goddamn God incarnate.  These fucking Romans really pissed him off this time.  The veil of death was nothing to him, and so the veil of the temple wasn't either, and he tore that bitch in two, from the top to the bottom, and his fury reverberated over the land, shaking the earth like a motherfucker.
These rooster-headed bastards wanted him dead, well they got it, but he was back, and he decided to bring some friends back with him.  Graves were opened, and the dead were roused, brought into service under Jesus' command, his own zombie army, he sent them to the holy city to prey upon the people there.  They wanted death, they got it.
Jesus turned his gaze on a centurion and his posse, it pierced his very soul, and the zombies started for him, but Jesus' stopped, and as the earth shook he fixed his icy gaze on the centurion and shouted "WHO AM I, BITCH!?", the centurion thought he was top shit around these parts, but now he was just shitting himself, "The son of God! Please don't hurt me!"  Jesus thought it was hardly worth killing this chicken shit, there were barely enough brains in him for the zombies to snack on, "THEN GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN, ASS! TELL THEM JESUS IS BACK, AND HE'S PISSED" (Matthew 27:51-54)

The Goddamn God was laying down the law, these fucking Isrealites needed him to guide them every step of the way like babies, specially the fucking women, they were all either whores, or whores too ugly to be whores.  But they belong to their father, and a man has to protect his investment, so if a man comes across a "virgin" who isnt pledged to be married and rapes the shit out of her and the bitch wont shut up about it and someone hears, he owes the father 50 shekels of silver, and since he broke it, he bought it, he's gotta marry her and can't divorce her no matter what, that'll show him. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

Judah felt the Goddamn God surging through him and his men, and they slaughtered all that were before them, they carved their way through inhabitants of the mountain, staining the mountains red with the blood of their enemies, for God was with them, and he wasnt to be fucked with, not this day.
Reveling in his victory over the mountain men, Judah knew God's thirst for blood wasn't sated, for he knew it never was, never can be, so he directed all the fury of the Goddamn God into the inhabitants of the valley, throwing at them every ounce of power he and God could muster.
But these were no lay down Sally's, these motherfuckers had chariots made of iron, and God hates that shit, Judah couldn't drive them out, not even with the Goddamn God on his side, so his bloodlust will go on to eat away at him.
God didnt need this shit, fucking chariots, fucking Judah, so he went and got a whore. (Judges 1:19)

[clockworkjoe]

[rayner23]

RED X!!!!

[clockworkjoe]

I FIXED THE GODDAMN ERROR