Don't Tease The Panther - Post Your Favorite Terrible Published Writing

[clockworkjoe]

We here at RPPR love terrible writing. The Eye of Argon, My Immortal are so bad they're hilarious. But what about the shit that actually gets in print? We need to laugh at that as well. So, to kick things off, I'll post a few excerpts from Glenn Beck's new novel, The Overton Window.

All from http://mediamatters.org/blog/201006110032

Noah and Molly find themselves in bed together early in the book after a harrowing experience at a Founders' Keepers rally. They agree to sleep in bed together because Molly is too scared to sleep at home, but Molly insists that nothing sexual will take place. Noah agrees, on the condition that she "not do anything sexy." She presses her cold feet against his legs, and Noah responds:

    "Suit yourself, lady. I'm telling you right now, you made the rules, but you're playing with fire here. I've got some rules, too, and rule number one is, don't tease the panther."

Read the article for more.

[Mckma]

I would post Twilight, but it's too long and it would require me to actually look at more than 2-3 paragraphs...

[ristarr]

I think any of the excerpts in the glenn beck review would work.  It looks like a real piece of art.

[clockworkjoe]

How about a fantasy writer? Terry Goodkind is just awful. http://sandstormreviews.blogspot.com/2006/08/goodkind-parodies.html

# Princess Violet is the 8-year-old whose jaw gets kicked by Richard; she returns later with her tongue grown back, in the company of a witch called Six.

# A Yeard is a word born of a typo, which now means the type of beard/ponytail combination sported by Goodkind himself.

# Goodkind has some trouble with irregular past participles; he also overuses the words "thing" and "instantly," and parts of anatomy behave in peculiar ways (especially eyes). Many points are stated and re-stated to the point of utter redundancy. His book dedications are peculiar.

[Doc Brown]

When it comes to straight up writing, the first Eragon book was pretty terrible. He was 17 or something and lived around here while he wrote it. The premise was good evil and dragons and orcs vs dwarves and humans and elves and MAGIC oh my, but you could really hear the writing voice of a teenager.

"This happened then this happened but oh no what about that coming over the rise we dealt with it this way" with either way too little or much punctuiation. All exposition, no character development or motivation. Almost didn't pick up the second one Brisinger, but I did and found it vastly improved.

[Kroack]

I like those books because Eragon is a psychopath.

Sociopath?

[rayner23]

The poetry of Leonard Nimoy

Title: Thank You For a World of Kindness


Thank you
For a world
Of kindness

Thank you
For your
Endless patience

Thank you
For your
Sensitive understanding

Thank you
For Your
Love



title: You Fill Me With Your Love

You fill me
With your love
You fill me

With your caring
You fill me
With your thoughts

You fill me
With your sharing



Hey Spock, leave poetry to people with emotions.

[rayner23]

I know it's supposed to be a brilliant book and amazing and all that, but I'm really not a fan of the first line from "A Tale of Two Cities"


"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way"


It was one diametrically opposite thing, it was another diametrically opposite thing.

[Doc Brown]

double post

[Doc Brown]

I know it's supposed to be a brilliant book and amazing and all that, but I'm really not a fan of the first line from "A Tale of Two Cities"


"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way"


It was one diametrically opposite thing, it was another diametrically opposite thing.

Yeah, it's been done (Ecclesiastes)
1.To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2.A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
3.A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4.A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5.A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6.A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7.A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8.A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace

Babylon Zion  lawdamercy

[robotkarateman]

Hugh Cook's "Wizard War", aka "The Wizards and the Warriors" is a terrible, horrible, hysterical book. You will be a better person for having read it. The plot is a meandering, nonsensical mess, the heroes travel across the kingdom on a walking mountain, and the bad guy has an Armageddon stone with which he hopes to destroy the world. When the heroes catch up to the bad guy, they find that he's already killed himself experimenting with the Armageddon stone, so they do the only logical thing and take the Armageddon stone back to the quarry where Armageddon stones are mined.

The book also has the best chunk of dialog ever written:

‘You’ve upset him,’ said Gorn, grinning. ‘Come on, you’d better say something. Let your sword do the speaking.’
Alish said nothing. He knew they were all waiting for him.
‘Hor-hurop!’ said the Melski headman.
Gorn looked at Alish.
‘Hor-drup! Muur-muur. Muur hulp! Mulsk!’
Alish stood there, trembling.
And Gorn attacked.
‘Yar!’ screamed Gorn.

I rest my case.

Mulsk.

[clockworkjoe]

WHAT

that is not a real thing

you lie

[robotkarateman]

Not only is it real, but it's the kind of horrible real that inspires a rabid devotion in its fans.

I haven't been able to figure out if it's gotten so many 5 stars because it's so awesomely hysterically bad, or if the people who've rated it genuinely think it's good.

I'm afraid it's the latter.

[ArtfulShrapnel]

Hugh Cook's "Wizard War", aka "The Wizards and the Warriors" is a terrible, horrible, hysterical book. You will be a better person for having read it. The plot is a meandering, nonsensical mess, the heroes travel across the kingdom on a walking mountain, and the bad guy has an Armageddon stone with which he hopes to destroy the world. When the heroes catch up to the bad guy, they find that he's already killed himself experimenting with the Armageddon stone, so they do the only logical thing and take the Armageddon stone back to the quarry where Armageddon stones are mined.

Hugh Cook presents: Adventurers of Synnibarr: Legend of the Weremountain

My contribution is the Warhammer 40k novels, particularly those of Dan Abnett. They seem to have a rabid cult following, but are mostly exposition stories about how Space Muhreens go around killing dudes and being awesome. The phrase "liquid mud" is used as punctuation by Abnett. He and the other authors are in a constant battle to list the most objects, terms, and concepts from the setting. it almost feels as if they were given a list of things to include and were forced to construct a scene out of them.

EVERYTHING is described, in great detail, as if to a stranger who were not part of the world. Jargon and terminology are used wherever the function of something is unclear, because it sets the MOOD.

As my gun-cutter set down on the landing cross at Tomb Point, I had pulled on an internally heated bodyskin and swathes of studry, insulated foul weather gear, but the perilous cold cut through me now. My eyes wattered, and the tears frose on my lashes and cheeks. I remembered the details of the cultural brief my savant had prepared, and quickly lowered my frost visor, trembling as warm air becan to circulate under the plastic mask.

Custodians, altered to my arrival by astropathic hails, stood waiting for me at the base of the landing cross. Their lighted poles dipped in obeisance in the frozen night and the air steamed with the heat that bled from their cloaks. I nodded to them, showing their leader my badge of office. An ice-car awaited; a rust colored arrowhead twenty meters long, mounted on ski-blade runners and spiked tracks.

[rayner23]

Is that the same Abnett that writes for Marvel?